Abusive relationships are so painful that I often wonder why it takes so long for us to know that it is abusive, addictive love we are experiencing. The damage created by an abusive relationship only worsens over time, weakening the abused and giving the abuser more power. As the situation continues, without resolution or a plan to change the dynamic, eventually abusers will typically threaten and carry through on their physical threats. How and where does it start? Through all the confusion and madness how do we find ourselves in this sort of mess and what can we do about it?

Abuse comes from a need to control, fear of abandonment, lack of trust and love, a learned behavior and lack of knowledge to move towards resolution in a positive way.

It often begins with verbal abuse, learned behaviors that are unhealthy, and not knowing how to develop a caring, loving relationship. Being unaware of its damaging effects the one being abused slowly loses confidence, self esteem, their identity, and respect for themselves. The abused person is unaware of how they are keeping themselves stuck and how they can get out of the painful abusive pattern.

No one deserves abuse nor are they in any way responsible for the way the abuser is treating them. They do, however, need to learn why it is happening and what they need to change in themselves. First and foremost is to gain self respect.

Abusive relationships need professional help and a dedicated participation from the people involved to make the change. If both partners do the work - the freedom from pain, the true feeling of being loved and loving another human being are only a part of the rewards. It takes a responsibility and respect of your self to break the pattern and learn new ways to be. If your partner is not willing to be apart of it seek help on your own to develop a course of action.

Are you in an abusive relationship or know someone who is?
Having been there myself I found it hard to know where to start, and didn’t even want to talk about it. It hurts to go back there in my mind. Emotional abuse is an enormous problem, and often a silent problem because there are no visible scars. Silent because you live in fear - fear of not being loved, fear of being alone, fear of the unknown. Women hope it will get better if they try harder, do exactly what their partner asks of them - “if I just do this better, he will love me”. Hope isn’t enough: you need to take action by seeking counseling. Read everything you can to understand why you stay hooked into an abusive relationship. There is no need to live in pain.

Don’t take abuse lightly, get professional help immediately - physical, emotional or psychological abuse can lead to murder. Ask your doctor, pastor, a trusted family member, or friend to assist you in finding the help you need. Abusive relationships do not change without specialized help.

Barb Keck, has inspired others to do and be what they strive for and live life as pain free as possible for years. Her own long road of “recovery” became the “discovery of life”. Through reinventing her life to create a new one her writings today help others to be resourceful and face life’s challenges finding new ways to be.

Want to find answers to daily dilemas? Visit http://www.vidaville.com

Article Reprint Rights - Feel free to publish this article on your website. You must agree to leave all author credits, active links contained within intact, and “as is” and NOT hidden behind a java or redirect script. Please notify the author at barb@vidaville.com.

Tags: abusive, relationships, verbal abuse, emotional, psychological, controlling, recovery, loving, too, mu

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As I played squash with a young lady recently she commented, “You’re pretty good for your age”. While I had hoped that she wouldn’t have noticed our 30 year age difference, I quickly replied, “There’s many a good tune played on an old fiddle.” She laughed.

I then began, between strokes, to tell her about the advantages of we older men:

1. We have years of experience which helps us keep an eye on the ball and take care of our equipment
2. Usually we take a little longer, which stretches the game out and can lead to more fun for our competitors and ourselves (I quickly scooped a ball from the wall and thwacked it down the court.)
3. We can increase the pace for short bursts when necessary adding to the excitement of the game
4. We know that if we want to play with the same player again, we have to play well and be truly appreciative of our partner

and, finally, as we finished our game, I commented that many of us had had vasectomies and don’t produce little players, removing much of the worry and allowing a freer expression of play, that, I said, “was the unique selling proposition of the older man.”

She smiled broadly and said, “I thought you were talking about squash.” I winked and replied, “You really do need to keep your eye on the ball.”

Did my USP work? I’ll never, ever tell. (Another attribute of older men … when you’re on a good thing, you keep it quiet!)

Copyright 2006 Robin Henry

Tags: squash, sports, sex, relationships, usp, men, men’s health, sexual relationships, age gaps

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It can be tough to deal with managing your anxiety while in a relationship. Maintaining a relationship is tough enough let alone having to deal with your anxieties. As a result, here is a list of techniques and suggestions on what to do in managing your anxieties while being in a relationship.

Sometimes we encounter a scary situation that gets us all upset. When encountering these events, always remember to get all of the facts of the given situation. Gathering the facts can prevent us from relying on exaggerated and fearful assumptions. By focusing on the facts, a person can rely on what is reality and what is not.

Sometimes we get stressed out when everything happens all at once. When this happens, a person should take a deep breathe and try to find something to do for a few minutes to get their mind off of the problem. A person could get some fresh air, listen to some music, or do an activity that will give them a fresh perspective on things.

When facing a current or upcoming task that overwhelms you with a lot of anxiety, the first thing you can do is to divide the task into a series of smaller steps. Completing these smaller tasks one at a time will make the stress more manageable and increases your chances of success.

A technique that is very helpful is to have a small notebook of positive statements that make us feel good. Whenever you come across an affirmation that makes you feel good, write it down in a small notebook that you can carry around with you in your pocket. Whenever you feel depressed, open up your small notebook and read those statements.

Sometimes, it helps to be able to talk to someone about our stressful situations. Talking to a trusted friend, counselor, or clergyman can not only make us feel better, but they might be able to give you additional advice and insights on how to deal with your current problem.

Although I am a layman and not a professional I have interviewed many psychologists and clergyman and I have over fifteen years of experience in dealing with fear. Dealing with our persistent fears is not easy, however there are many helpful resources available to us if you look hard enough.

Stan Popovich is the author of “A Layman’s Guide to Managing Fear” an easy to read book that presents a overview of techniques that are effective in managing persistent fears and anxieties. For additional information go to: http://www.managingfear.com

Tags: stress, stress management, worry free, relaxing, anxiety, worries, life choice, life perspective, self help

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