How do you get on with others? Are all people your brothers and sisters or do you despair of the whole human race? Whichever attitude is most like yours, you may agree that the way we get on with each other is one of the key factors in determining what kind of life we have.

The different types of intelligence Howard Gardner is a Harvard professor of psychology who has developed the theory of multiple intelligences - the idea that people can be smart in at least eight separate areas, rather than just in the traditional IQ-test way.

Among the different types are physical intelligence, linguistic intelligence, musical intelligence and interpersonal intelligence - being the ability to get along with a wide range of people. This last type has been explored recently under the name ‘Emotional Intelligence‘. Another kind is called intrapersonal intelligence - the ability to get along with yourself.

So many problems between people arise when one or both of them have a confused relationship with themselves that affects the way they see the world.

The perfect hostess

Think of someone you know who is a wonderful host or hostess: a person who gives great parties where everyone feels comfortable and at ease, someone who can break the ice, no matter how frosty it feels. Is it coincidence, or is it the way they go about planning and running their social events?

John D Rockefeller, the founder of Standard Oil, is on record as saying ‘I will pay more for the ability to deal with people than for any other skill’. He knew that business is built on relationships and he hired people who were great at developing them.

Feeling connected - the key to a happy life

What if you don’t run a corporation or give lavish parties? Are you excused the need to know how to get on with people? In my experience, a key to a happy life is making good relationships with others. There may be a few people who genuinely would rather be alone, but most of us feel much happier when we feel connected to people and can share things with them.

This may seem pretty familiar to you. You may even think what I’ve written is obvious, so let me ask you - how much thought do you give to those everyday, familiar relationships in your life? Have you just accepted that you’ll never get on with someone you see frequently? Are you resigned to a so-so marriage or a lapsed friendship? Do you hate your boss? Do you avoid seeing relatives because it gets too complicated?

If you feel that things might possibly be better than they’ve been so far, take heart. You can learn how to improve matters. I know this because for fourteen years I have been helping people to understand themselves and others better and to find new ways of approaching people so things go well. Whether it is learning the ability to save your marriage or to turn around a hostile relationship with your boss or get on better with your family, these changes can be made - you need not feel stuck.

So, what’s your story?

It all depends on the story you tell yourself - about who you are, about other people, about what’s right and wrong and what matters. The story you tell defines all your reactions to events in your life. Your story determines the attitudes you take, the expressions on your face and the way others behave towards you.

You know what it’s like when you’re in a bad mood - it’s as if everyone you see is scowling back at you. The world can seem a hostile place - until you learn to use your natural ability to see things differently - to tell yourself a better story.

Making sense of things

From birth, we build up an explanation and description of the world in an attempt to make sense of things and to learn from experience. The trouble is we do it unconsciously. This means we’re not aware of what we’re doing, especially when we’re children. By the time we grow up we tend to assume that the way we are ‘Just happened’, because that’s how it feels.

Here are some examples:

1) John had an angry, sarcastic maths teacher who told him he was useless. He would give up when faced with numbers and failed his exams. As an adult he had assumed that maths was not one of his strengths and left it at that.

With help John changed his story from ‘I can’t do it’ to I’m overcoming bad teaching’ - now he is calm with numbers and deals with them perfectly well.

2) Ann’s family moved often, so she was always the new girl at school. She was shy, some girls picked on her, and she avoided new relationships. She got used to being alone as an adult.

With help Ann changed her story from ‘No-one likes me’ to ‘I can get to know decent people who behave well’ - now she has several growing friendships.

My Story

When I was a kid I would only get involved in the stuff I enjoyed. If I found something dull or too difficult I would ignore it. My father decided to help me overcome my resistance by being so scary it seemed easier to do what he said.

It’s a commonplace story, and the reason why, years later, I found myself trying to undo this terrible habit I had of immobilising myself with fear whenever I faced a challenging situation.

Do something different

By the time we grow up we tend to confuse what we’re used to with what is possible - yet we have the potential to change our lives in many ways. All I had done in my story was to copy Dad’s method. The problem was it made things worse.

You see, in our unconscious minds we’re always doing the best we currently know how to do according to the story we tell ourselves. Unfortunately, when it doesn’t work we do the same thing, only harder.

You may have heard insanity defined as ‘Doing the same things and expecting different results’. It’s pretty clear that the way to improve results must be to do something different. Like they say, it’s easy when you know how.

So what’s your story - and more to the point - what would you like it to be?

Graham Smith is a musician, writer, coach and therapist. His composition Calmtime is a relaxation CD for mother and baby, available at http://www.calmtime.com He and his partner Daphne Nancholas are currently working on the next album.

You can learn more at http://www.smithandfriends.co.uk As a session musician he has recorded or performed with Eric Clapton, Harry Nilsson, Cat Stevens, Bob Weir, Al Stewart and many other artists.

Tags: isolation, unhappiness, happiness, good relationships, emotional intelligence, the unconscious

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As a self-loving person, you will recognize that you cannot, ever, make someone else love you, be good to you, be your friend, or be there for you. No matter how hard you try, and especially when you try, you cannot force love, friendship, or caring from another person.

Have you ever felt someone else wanted you to love him or her? No matter what that person did or how hard he or she tried, did it work? No. It did not.

As we all know, chemistry between two people cannot be created or destroyed. Physical chemistry is either there or it is not. But the physical relationship between two people is not the same as love.

What is this perplexing phenomenon that has plagued man and woman through the centuries? What is love? Where does it come from? It comes from being yourself. Loving yourself. Finding honor, respect, and joy in, of, and because of yourself. Love comes when you awaken your interests, passions, and joys; when you use your talents and abilities to achieve your goals; when you thrive in areas you have not yet dreamed of; when you dare to dream even more.

Love is to be your own best friend.
To need you. To depend on you,
to honor, respect, adore, obey, cherish, and love you.
That is the key!
The key is you, not the other.

If the other also loved him- or herself, there would be no insincerity, lying, manipulation, fear, jealousy, degradation, abuse, cheating, or fighting. There would be differences of opinion and differences in preference or perspective, but not war between the other and you.

There would be a sweet, magnetic chemistry. Then there would be friendship.
In this friendship between two people who love, respect, and understand themselves there would be honesty with each other. People would not hold back their real feelings because to do so would be to lie to themselves as well as to the other.

People would not stop a meaningful activity simply because someone called them for a date. The date would be set for another time. People would not be upset or jump to melodramatic, illogical conclusions just because they have not heard from a special someone for a few days. They would hope all is fine with the other person and would trust that they will be in touch when the time is right.

People would not feel they have to be with each other simply because the calendar says it’s Friday or Saturday. There would, however, be regard for each other’s feelings, and both would assume that if they would like to get together, then it would be more appropriate to make tentative plans than no plans at all.

In our society, it is no secret, no surprise at all, that when two people start to date, all kinds of expectations arise; all kinds of games are brought into play. No wonder there are so many people home alone at night. Who needs the games; who wants the insincerity? Nobody!

The key word here is “want.”
You have to want nothing.
You have to be everything, for you.

When you have grown and evolved enough to be your own dearest and best friend, and when you have grown and evolved enough to encourage another to do whatever he or she needs to do for happiness or fulfillment, that is when you can be sure the special person in your life will be the mirror image of you.

That person will play with you and challenge you to be your very best. That person will honor himself and understand his own perspective, feelings, beliefs, attitudes, principles, preferences, and desires. And that person will naturally love, honor, and understand you.

When you let go of all of the wanting, the longing, the desperation, the agonizing, and the fear, you find something wonderful and magical happens: you have it. You have love.

Stop trying; start being.
Stop doing everything to get that other person. Start being everything you want to be for you, and you will find that person will one day open his eyes and see that you are the one he’s been searching for all along.

This is what it means to let go, to move on. You don’t throw your love out the window; to the contrary, you throw out your focus on loving the other. And you fill that void with love of self.

When you see yourself
as the source of your own pleasure,
you do not need it
to come from another.

As this need vanishes, you become even more desirable than you would be if you were at another person’s beck and call.

For how can people desire that which they have, and how can they strive to attain the level of intimacy they deserve if it is given to them so freely, so easily, without having been earned?

When you work toward a mutual, beneficial relationship, you both bring and contribute your gift of self to the union. Whether it is for a day, a year, a decade, or a lifetime, each person contributes the very essence of himself or herself.

You each already know exactly where you stand, what behaviors you will accept, and which ones you will not put up with.

© Copyright by Barbara Rose, All Rights Reserved. Excerpt from Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth and Your Life. Published by The Rose Group (2003) ISBN: 097414570X

Tags: Barbara Rose, Ph.D., Individual Power, Stop Being the String Along, Healing love relationships, love

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Relationships in the early phase of formation are guided by heart and physical attraction and needs. How many of us give a chance to our head to decide whether we will relate to a person using our head? Very few of us do that. This irrational process continues for long and may be cause of suffering in some relationships. Please give your head a chance to decide about relationship and about whether it should continue.

Infatuation decides many relationships. You see some one and decide that you want that person. You don’t reason at all about why you want that person. I read many posts about teenagers saying that I saw that boy and girl and I want to relate. Why do you want to relate with a person by only looking at him/her? Will that relationship give pleasure or pain? In many instances, it gives pleasure. The love at first sight relationship may go on for life, but many times, it may lead to pain. If head were given a choice in selection of the partner, this would not have happened.

Similar trend continues after the relationship develops cracks. Most of us are at a loss to decide about the future of the relationship. No analysis is done to decide. It is heart and feelings that rule. Either it is fear of breaking up and hurting your partner, or it is fear of searching for another relationship or some other reason. But this goes on. We don’t allow our head to decide. Please give the head a chance to decide the relationship. Keep feelings in picture, but become little more analytical and look for happiness with help of your head.

The author C.D. Mohatta writes articles, advice and ideas on love, dating, marriage, relationships, break-ups, etc. at http://www.yourromanceguide.com/ He also writes for screen-savers and desktop wallpapers at http://www.screene.com/ on topics like nature, spirituality, motivation, love-romance, holidays, animals, etc. The third site, the author writes for, is http://www.cupidecards.com/ - it has free romantic ecards for topics like i love you, i miss you, valentine’s day, love notes, etc.

Tags: relationship

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