Emotional affairs do not happen overnight. They sort of sneak up on you.

That’s why it is so important to know how to recognize the warning signs. Here is one of them.

“I just can’t wait to tell you about………

Consider, if you will, a typical day in your life or my life. Just about everyday there are events that occur that we want to tell someone esle about. Good things, bad things, interesting things, funny things. We naturally want to share them with someone.

Have you ever noticed that we typically think right away of one or two or maybe three people who we want to tell about the events of our day? It’s one of the ways we relax from our day and get connected to other people. Have you also noticed that the people we think about telling these things to are the people to whom we are the closest?

So one of the warning signs of an emotional affair is wanting to tell your friend first when something fun, interesting or important happens in your day.

This one sounds so small yet it is so telling.

While some of the warning signs of an emotional affair are glaring and huge, some are small and subtle. This is one of them. This sign reveals where your head and your focus is, and quite possibly where your heart is going, or even already is without you admitting it.

I mentioned above that one of the reasons we like to tell someone about our day is that this helps us connect and get closer to someone. So the questions then becomes, “Is it safe being this close to this person?”

Tags: relationship advice, emotional affairs, affairs, relationships, marriage, jeff herring

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Once when I went to a new (to me) yoga class I had a teacher say, “When we go into a pose, we can listen to our ego, which says, ‘Push, push, go lower, go deeper,’ or we can practice non-violence (in Sanskrit ahimsa) and truth (sattva).”

Non-violence toward ourselves = self-kindness. I won’t bully myself to do better. I will love myself into doing what is best for me.

Truth = I won’t indulge lies in my private conversations. I won’t stick my head in the sand and pretend I am eating more veggies or standing up to my belligerent boss. I will look at what is…

and

I won’t beat myself as I do it.

A few years ago, I was back from more than a month spent mostly on vacation; I was attempting to launch back into writing my novel, with a self-imposed deadline of my 40th birthday, which at the time was 3 months away. The writing was not going well — I had pieces of the novel all over the place, I was having trouble with many of the plot points, I kept starting and stopping. I spent a lot of time “avoiding what I love.”

I could beat myself up for my lack of steadfastness or I could choose to sit quietly, as I did one day, and gently face the truth — without judgment. I have written 5 of the 7 days I declared I would. I have written 4 of the 20 hours I promised myself I would this week. That is the fact. I watch myself face this fact and immediately go to my “story” of how tomorrow will be different, then ricochet over to what a worthless bum I am, how can I coach other writers and creative people when I’m skipping out? Then the drama sets in, “You’ve never had a problem writing before. Maybe you’ve lost the ability. Maybe you aren’t supposed to be a novelist. Maybe you’ll starve to death and never accomplish anything.”

Now I have a choice. I can gently bring my mind back to the fact, “I wrote 4 hours in the last 6 days.” Then I can compassionately ask myself: “What can I choose to do next that might produce a different result? What requests could I make of others to help me? How can I be kind to myself while writing this novel?”

Can you feel the difference? Notice that I had to stop (always we have to stop running). Notice I listened to all the rabble babble inside and I kept bringing myself back to what is — 5 hours of writing this week. My mind wants to run away from that. Often we hold our minds still by rubbing its nose in what is painful — like the old way to train a puppy to not pee in the house. Instead, I held my mind’s hand — gently helping it stay focused on what is. Notice how I finally brought my attention to
future actions that could produce different results given that I am observing what is from a different perspective.

Here are some ideas on how to apply the twin concepts of non-violence and truth to your life:

1) When you notice yourself beating yourself up or avoiding the truth about a situation, take a moment to check in with your body. What sensations are you experiencing? Be with your body for several moments and notice what it is doing without judging or deciding why. Just notice.

2) Stop making promises to yourself that you have no intention or ability to keep (Forget “I will always be kind to my sister/mother/co-worker” or “I will never eat chocolate again” — you can only fail.) Decide to only make promises that include
clear conditions of satisfaction — you will know when you have kept the promise. For example, “I will exercise for 45 minutes 3 times a week.” “I will write one hour six days a week.”

3) When you suspect you’re avoiding being honest with yourself, stop, breathe and ask yourself, “What are the facts?” Hint: facts do not contain any adverbs or adjectives, they can be proven or supported (to a certain degree), and there are usually very few. A fact or assertion is “I wrote 4 hours in the 6 days.” Not “I wrote three bad pages of a bad novel in 6 days.”

4) Also ask yourself, “What could I do in this moment to love myself into creating a different outcome?”

You will notice that these practices of being loving to yourself also have an effect on your relationships. If you have ever used that logic of, “Well, I’m not being any harder on her than I am on myself,” please listen up. When you are very hard on yourself, even a small taste of that can be very damaging to your relationships and even if it’s true that you go comparatively easy on others, doesn’t make it a good logic to live by.

Many years ago, a friend of mine was arrested for a DUI in junior college. His father bailed him out and brought him home. The first thing his mother did when he walked in the door was open her arms wide and give him a great, big hug.

Our ability to face who we are and what our potential is greatly enhanced when we can first open our arms and give ourselves one of those great, big hugs.

Tags: criticism, relationships, creativity, writing, worry, stress, learning, longing, gratitude

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It has taken me 40 years to learn exactly how to free myself from pain with others. After reading the book The Dammapada I sat under a tree to contemplate, and meditate on the wisdom I was soaking in to the depths of my heart, mind and soul.

I remembered crying oceans of tears in my past, trying to “get it right” with relationships, and remembered going through tremendous turmoil as I slowly learned how to be authentic and genuine.

Then, I felt a deep and profound inner transformation as the words “give compassion and understanding” came into my mind.

It was one of the greatest AHA moments that have changed my life.

While sitting under the tree, divine wisdom poured into my mind and I am deeply grateful to be able to pass this wisdom on to you.

When someone does or says something that is upsetting to you, give compassion and understanding for where they are on their path, for where they are coming from, rather than try to “get” them to understand you.

When you are giving compassion and understanding, you are no longer trapped into trying to get the same compassion and understanding from the other person.

If someone you love no longer wants to be in your life, give compassion and understanding, rather than try to get them back.

If someone disagrees with your way of doing things, give compassion and understanding for their views, and then simply continue to do as you prefer. There is no need to argue or debate. When you are giving, you are authentically awakened and empowered in the most altruistic sense a human being can attain.

If you are in a situation with someone who brings harm to you, remove yourself from that person completely, and give compassion and understanding for the level of growth they had at the time.

You see, when you are giving, you are living in the moment, and fully in charge, alive, vibrant, and are no longer seeking to get or obtain anything from anyone else. When you are trying to get something from another, such as approval, love, validation, permission, or anything else, this undermines the authentic power of your heart, mind, and soul combined. Once you give compassion and understanding you are free to BE who you really are, rather than dance around someone else’s tune to “get” his or her approval.

Think about it; by giving compassion and understanding, so many disputes can be settled in harmony. So many things that another did or said can be taken into that place of compassion and understanding within you, which will free you from anger, sadness, pain, and turmoil.

How long have you tried to “get” compassion and understanding from others? Probably decades. How far have you gotten? Probably not anywhere near where you are about to go.

With compassion and understanding as your guideposts in life, you can weather any storm. You are free to go with the flow of life, rather than try to create a new bend in a river. You are free to allow others their birthright to be who they are, without trying to change them. This in turn will free you.

The key to ending pain with others is to give others the compassion and understanding that you would like to receive from them instead. That is the key!

If others are giving you a difficult time, rather than try to get them to see your view, give compassion and understanding for their view. Then, there is no need for debates, arguments, criticism, or ill actions. Where compassion and understanding dwell, discord is eliminated.

Some of the most profound awakening concepts for humanity are so simple, that we are not taught to take them in and contemplate on them for permanent, lasting and positive change. Most people want the quick fix. And here, I am happy to give it to you: When you give compassion and understanding to others, you are forever free from the ego’s trap of trying to get anything from them. You are free to live as you most desire. You are free to forgive when you care about someone who may have made a mistake or did not live up to your expectations. You are free to fulfill your own expectations from the compassion and understanding you give to yourself, and this, I have experienced, will relieve your suffering and pain with others permanently.

Copyright By Barbara Rose. All Rights Reserved.

Barbara Rose is an internationally recognized expert in the field of personal transformation and spiritual/human potential. A pioneering force in incorporating Higher Self Communication the study and integration of humanity’s God-Nature into modern personal growth and spiritual evolution.
A #1 relationship best-selling author of Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE ONE, Barbara’s other highly acclaimed books include, If God Was Like Man, and Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth and Your Life. Her public speaking events, tele-seminars, webcasts, articles and private intensives have transformed the lives of thousands across the globe.

Barbara is known for providing life-changing answers, quick practical coaching and deep spiritual wisdom to people worldwide. She is the founder of IHSC - Institute of Higher Self Communication, inspire! Magazine, Rose Humanitarian Alliance, and The Rose Group publishing company.
Barbara works in cooperation with spiritual leaders, to uplift the spiritual consciousness of humanity. http://www.borntoinspire.com

Tags: Barbara Rose, ending pain in relationships, ending emotional suffering, break ups, healing relations

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